Training and coaching can surface emotions, resistance, and of course, personal baggage. But with curiosity, empathy, and assertiveness, learning professionals can turn tension into transformation—and build deeper trust with their clients. Cliff Lansley explores three types of empathy and advises on how the learning professional can implement this approach.

Training and coaching individuals and teams in organisations isn’t easy – whether as a learning and development professional working within an organisation, or as someone serving external clients. The learning and development process can be a challenging environment for both the professional and the learner.

Good training and coaching often means people open up beyond their work role

Some of the challenges that can get in the way for the learner, include:

1. The need for development can suggest that the learner is ‘not yet good enough’ and this can trigger emotions and/or past experiences
   
   
2. Individuals could have been ‘sent’ to do the development/coaching and they may be disengaged and uninvested in the process
   
   
3. The intervention could be a ‘tick-box’ exercise where the learner (and professional) may feel the work is of little value to the individual and they may project their frustrations and anger towards the professional
   
   
4. Good training and coaching often means people open up beyond their work role and high trust can lead to deeper disclosures, drawing you as the developer into therapy and counselling

This means that the L&D professional must be highly skilled in emotional intelligence (EI) to handle difficult conversations constructively.

It’s not always about you

Clients and learners are human beings, who may come with development needs, but also a unique ‘rucksack’ of their own ‘stuff’. This could be relationship forming/separation, family/friend challenges, financial pressures, illness/death, change of employment status, pending retirement, moving home, and so on. These may generate sadness and fear, or even anger that might be directed towards a trainer or coach.

Managing this dynamic complexity draws heavily on our EI. Therefore, coaches and trainers must first be able to pause and consider what is going on beneath the surface of this behaviour. The success in handling difficult conversations rests on three key foundations:

• Curiosity
• Empathy
• Assertiveness

Curiosity

In the heat of an emotionally charged interaction, it is really valuable if the professional can give their client 100% of their attention by adopting a curious mindset. If a professional can hold space for their learner/client they may be able to sense what is going on below the words that are at the tip of the iceberg.

The iceberg model is a reminder to look deeper, and not just listen to the words the client uses. Explore and listen to their behaviour, such as face, body and voice. This may help reveal the meaning, their thinking and the feeling behind the words and help to tune into any deeper principles emerging. This allows you to pay attention to the client’s values and beliefs. Only then can one truly empathise to enable a transition to the initial purpose of the L&D interaction.

Empathy

Having empathy means putting oneself in the shoes of another individual and understanding what is going on for them emotionally. This is a selfless act, and one that requires complete attention on the person. Empathy is key for a L&D professional. As one’s understanding of what a client is thinking and feeling increases, it will help to deepen any conversations and the relationship itself. In turn this builds trust for the development work ahead.

It’s worth knowing that there are three levels of empathy:

1. Cognitive empathy: ‘I know what you’re feeling though I don’t necessarily feel it myself’
   
   This level relies on recognising what others are feeling. This doesn’t mean that the professional is going to be helpful or compassionate. For example, a poker player might have this type of empathy
   
   
2. Emotional empathy: ‘I feel what you are feeling.’
   
   If a client talks about a loved one, an illness, or a death, they may get into a sad state. If a professional has emotional empathy, they feel what the other person feels and can therefore show understanding. This will help them connect. If the professional is naturally an empathetic person, they will care and engage with the client easily. Be aware, though, that the client doesn’t want the professional crying with them for hours – they want developmental support, and the professional needs to be skilled enough to know when to move to level three
   
   
3. Compassionate empathy: ‘OK, I know you’re feeling sad. I feel what you feel, and I want to help you and deal with the situation that’s creating this emotion you’re feeling’
   
   Here, professionals experience and apply compassion for their clients

This was revealed in a study in another professional sector, with financial planners, in the book The Heart of Finance. The difference between success and failure was found to be in the adviser’s ability to empathise and respond in the right way, enhancing and growing relationships rather than damaging them. No different from any client-facing L&D advisory or consultancy role. A difficult conversation, well handled, can often leave the professional and the client in a better place than never having the challenge in the first place.

Grasping the assertiveness nettle

Finally, it is important to note that there may come a point of conflict, disagreement, or even inappropriate behaviour or rudeness from a client or learner, where the professional needs to be assertive. As Stephen Covey suggested in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we must: “Seek first to understand, and then be understood”.

Assertive interactions can help professionals be understood by using a style in which they clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly guide the learning process back on track, possibly including advocating for their rights and needs without violating the rights of the learner. Assertive communicators will:

• State needs and wants clearly, appropriately and respectfully
• Use ‘I’ statements
• Communicate respect for others
• Listen well without interrupting
• Maintain good eye contact.

Phrases that assertive L&D professionals may use include:

• ‘I value you as a client, but when you touch me on the knee, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I need to ask you to avoid this, from now on, please. If so, I am happy to put this behind us and focus on helping you with your development plan. Is that ok?’
  
  
• ‘I know you are disappointed about your assessment scores right now. That is something we discussed at the start. You have agreed to the long-term development goals designed to address your scores, and I would ask you to consider staying firm on your plan. We can review your plan every quarter as we agreed and monitor how things are going overall. Is that ok?’
  
  
• ‘When you tell me I am too expensive it makes me feel uneasy. I have put a lot of work into this coaching process, as I know we are dealing with the development of you and your organisation – a lot of your staff will be impacted by this. My fees are in line with the fees we discussed at our introductory meeting. I want to do a great job for you, and I want us to agree this is a fair rate. I can stage the payments over three months if that helps?’

The future is not difficult

By handling difficult conversations well, with curiosity, empathy, and assertiveness, professionals can optimize individual and corporate performance while enhancing psychological safety and wellbeing for their learners—and for themselves.

---

Cliff Lansley is Director of the Emotional Intelligence Academy, and co-author of The Heart of Finance