Your communication skills can go from clunky to clear with just a few tweaks. From knowing what kind of chat you’re really having to handling tricky moments with empathy, it’s all about keeping it real and human. Jo Henwood explains how to keep your cool and make your message land
Recently, I delivered back-to-back sessions on wellbeing, communication, coaching and feedback. While these were separate sessions, there are themes across all the topics that can make our communication more impactful.
Suppressing feelings doesn’t make them go away – talking them through does, and this was a valuable learning
Theme 1: Decide what conversation you are having
At some point in every session, during a discussion, I mentioned the phrase: “It’s important to be clear on what type of conversation you are having.” Somone was talking about a potential coaching scenario, but what we uncovered was that what needed to happen first was for the manager to give their employee some feedback. Only then, and if, the employee needed to think through how they could make the required changes, was a coaching conversation relevant.
The topic of an employee with a long-term illness came up as one of the delegates wasn’t sure if a feedback conversation was right. We considered if a conversation needed to be had about wellbeing, and managing this for the employee, but this had already been done, and a return-to-work agreement was in place. With a bit of probing, it transpired that the problem was the employee wasn’t adhering to the agreement and therefore giving feedback to highlight this was needed.
The learning was that conversations about wellbeing need to be had to uncover issues that may be impacting performance. Then it’s important for managers to be clear in themselves whether feedback should be given to highlight issues, or whether to head straight into coaching to help the employee decide what to do to help themselves.
Theme 2: When having difficult conversations, be sure to demonstrate empathy
When a message is something we suspect the recipient doesn’t want to hear, there is often a tendency to talk more as we are nervous. We might give our message too early or hesitate and give it late. Delivering difficult messages is likely to fire off an emotional response in the other person and because of this, these conversations are deemed ‘difficult’, but they don’t have to be.
The key to managing this difficulty, on both sides, is to lean into this emotional response. Sitting with it, creating the space to share and asking questions to encourage the other person to talk, is important. I got the sense that giving time for the other to talk, to listen to them and ask open questions was perceived to be wasting valuable time, but it isn’t. Suppressing feelings doesn’t make them go away – talking them through does, and this was a valuable learning.
Making communication impactful
These sessions were designed for managers and focused on one-to-one communication. However, the parallels with communication and influencing for everyone can be useful. Specifically:
- Be clear on your message: The receiver should leave being clear on what you want them to know, feel and do. The focus of your communication is to ensure that they leave with the right information, in the right frame of mind and motivated to act.
- Know your audience: Consider what is important to them and design your message so that it appeals to their interests and goals. Through observing another’s behaviour you will get a sense of their communication preferences so you can design the structure and approach to appeal to this.
- Embrace challenging feelings: We all have emotional responses to what people say and do which drives what we think. Acknowledge how people are feeling, as this may be the key to understanding their pinch points and overcoming them. On the flip side, if people aren’t invested in the message, find ways to appeal to their emotions through stories and life experiences that encourage people to care.
- Engagement: Read the room so that you know when people are losing interest. Consider different ways to involve others, so that they feel included and invested. Asking questions sounds simple but people don’t always do it. Involving people in crafting the solution means that they will be more committed to making it happen, as we often think ours is the best idea!
- Authenticity: Of course you need to be prepared, but know that you are dealing with people who are wonderfully unpredictable and won’t expect you to be polished or know all the answers. They want you to be as human and fallible as they are.
Jo Henwood is a Dods Training Associate and will be running a communication and influencing taster session at the Transforming L&D in the Public Sector conference in London on 15 July 2025
