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Peter Honey

By Peter Honey (March 2008 Issue)
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Sometimes I wonder if there are behaviours that are an inevitable part of the human condition, built in like reflexes. If you are a behaviourist, even to countenance this possibility is little short of heresy. All my training has led me to believe that behaviours are more a product of nurture than of nature; that a heady mixture of learning and the environment brings our behaviour patterns into being.

However, I can’t help noticing that there are some verbal behaviours that are universal, regardless of cultural differences and environmental factors. It is as if there are some default positions that can only be overridden with super-human effort. Let me give you some examples (then, please add your favourites!).

When someone has sought your advice, but proceeds to ignore it and make a mess of things, do you have an irresistible urge to say ‘I told you so’? You might manage to nip this unhelpful remark in the bud, but I bet you think it, even if you manage not to say it.

When someone comes to you with an idea – something a bit zany that doesn’t strike you as a runner – do you find yourself saying ‘that won’t work because…’? This, despite the fact that you know ideas are tender things that need to be handled with care rather than rubbished.

When you are going to give someone feedback that might upset them, do you butter them up first with a compliment? This, despite the fact that you know they will ignore the compliment while bracing themselves for the inevitable criticism to follow.

When someone criticises you (let us suppose that it isn’t called for), do you find yourself attempting to justify what you did? This, despite the fact that you know it will seem pathetically defensive and that you’d learn more if you stuck to asking some questions of clarification.

When someone pays you a compliment, do you find yourself saying ‘it was nothing really’? This, despite the fact that you know this is needlessly self-deprecating and you’d be better off simply saying thank you.

When a question is put to you, do you start your answer with the word ‘well,…’? Just notice how often this happens when journalists are interviewed during radio or television news bulletins – and they are professionals! I’ve done a count; 96 per cent of answers start with the word ‘well’.

When someone has told you about a personal problem where they are uncertain what to do for the best, do you find yourself saying ‘if I were you, I’d….’? This, despite the fact that you know it would be more appropriate to help them explore their options.

When an undeserved misfortune befalls you, do you find yourself saying ‘it’s not fair’? This, despite the fact that you know that life isn’t fair, and that no-one ever said it would be.

When someone disagrees with you, do you find yourself interrupting him before he has finished whatever he is saying? This, despite the fact that you know it would be better to listenhard and hear them out.

When, during a two-way conversation, the other person lapses into silence, do you find yourself filling the space? This, despite the fact that you know it would be best to keep quiet and tolerate the silence.

When you are running a participative training session and someone chips in with a contribution, do you find yourself saying ‘thanks for sharing that’? This, despite the fact that you know this will come across as insufferably condescending.

When you are running a training session and someone asks you a question that is out of place, do you find yourself saying ‘we’ll cover that later’? This, despite the fact that you know this is a cop out and that you’ll probably forget the question.

When you have been to an event that was disappointing and you are asked how it went, do you say ‘it was interesting’? This, despite the fact that you know this is a euphemism and what you really mean is that it was an unmitigated disaster.

When you have made a mistake, do you say ‘lessons have been learned’? This, despite the fact that you haven’t the faintest idea what the lessons are, and are gambling that no-one will ask.

So, do you suppose these are the equivalent of default positions in human beings and, if so, where did they come from? I haven’t even started on other widespread tendencies such as succumbing to immediate gratification, being seduced by the thrills of fixing problems rather than preventing them, and telling when asking would have been more productive.

Dr Peter Honey, FRSA, FCIPD, FIMC is a chartered psychologist and founder of Peter Honey Publications. He can be contacted on +44 (0) 1628 633946, at peterhoney@peterhoney.com or visit www.peterhoney.com.

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